Random Thoughts

I don't live my life with regrets. I try to take every situation I go through a situation, take the lesson, learn from it, and try to change what I did wrong and move forward. My story isn't unique or special. I'm just traveling down this winding road called life trying to make sense of all it is that gets handed to me. Some things make sense, but most of the time it doesn't. Today I had one of those days where I really don't know how to make sense of it. One minute things are normal then the next I'm in a position that I would have never in a million years thought I would even witness. I saw a side of me that I swore to myself wouldn't show again and I failed. 

Disappointment has to be one of the worst emotions to feel. I hate to disappoint and I hate being disappointed and to feel both at the same time hurts even more. I can't control the actions of others. I'm only responsible for me. Never again do I want to be in the shoes I wore today. 

Observations.....

Life's all about choices, so I made a choice to sit back and just observe for a bit. I didn't speculate, judge, or comment, I just simply observed. Although I couldn't fully comprehend what it was that I was observing, I did come to the conclusion that it must be miserable to be in love with two people. I really never believed it was possible, but maybe I was wrong. Judging from what I've seen, I know I don't ever want to be in that predicament.

Is it selfish? Of course it is, but it is seemingly deeper than wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Obviously, you shouldn't place yourself  in that position to begin with but life happens and you can't help with whom it is you do or don't fall in love . Given the choice I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have choose to have fallen in love the few I have been in love with. But this isn't about me......its about my observations.

Love is powerful and complicated on its own when its just one other person you love. But two....that creates an even bigger issue. I wonder how it is that one juxtaposes between the two? How do you decide? No matter which way you look at it someone is going to end up hurt. Unless you drag it out until someone eventually gives up. In my opinion that's a cowards way out. Why prolong the process? Someone's got to loose. If you created the situation, Its up to you to fix it right? I'm not sure how one would choose. What would be the criteria for making a sound decision? Thinking about it all makes my head spin. I really don't know if I could make a decision. Fortunately, I don't have to make it.

I'll never excuse it. There isn't a justifiable explanation for an occurrence of the sort. I do deem it selfish and inconsiderate. But it happens to the best of us. Its all complicated. None of it makes sense. Love is supposed to be sound and unbreakable. If there was room for someone else to move in your heart, take a piece of it, and call it home.......It wasn't solid from the beginning. Reevaluations are in order.

No shade, no side eyes, no low-blows.....These are just my observations. My thoughts. My opinions. My findings. and of course my feelings.

<3

Lessons Learned

First things first, I hate dating. When I say dating what I really mean is going out with someone with the intent of trying to develop something. It irritates me because I feel like most guys are putting on an act and 9 times out of 10 they are. Now if I so happen to meet someone say in like idk Wal Mart and we exchange numbers and keep in contact as friends and something develops from there, then that's different. I honestly don't have the time, patience or desire to figure out someone new.....maybe that'll change with time. Let's hope.

I asked a friend if he thought I was picky and he told me to an extent. He then corrected himself and said that I have a set of standards that I'm not going to find in one guy. At first when he told me I was picky I became somewhat offended, but then I sat back and thought about it and realized that I am indeed picky. But the way I feel, everyone should be picky. I'm not picky in the sense that a guy has to be 6'3", 250 lbs, brown skin, masters degree etc etc. I know a few girls who could draw you a sketch of her dream guy. But that's a bit much in my opinion. Are having standards and being picky one in the same? If not, when does having outrageous standards equate pickiness?

I thought about standards because today I received a call from a friend asking me if I'd help him pack. Had I not had plans of my own I would have but he and I got to chatting anyway. He starts telling me about how he needed to get his life together and get his finances in order and so forth. So I asked "are you moving back home with your parents." His response? "Not exactly." I couldn't help but dig once he said that because I knew where this was headed. Now before I say anything else, this is my friend. Someone I care about and someone I want to see succeed in life. Moving forward, he says he's moving in with his GF of only 5 months. As happy of a time it should be it broke my heart. I've seen this friend have failed relationship after failed relationship. He's optimistic but I'm a realist. While I wish him the best, I don't see any good coming from this.

I use my friend as an example because I honestly don't think he's taking his past relationships into consideration when entering a new one. I use my old relationships and old encounters to help me grow. To help me be a better me. I use my past as a guide to navigate towards a better future and I honestly think that's why I've been pegged as picky. Some roads aren't worth being traveled twice. I usually learn my life lessons after they've been taught the first time. Evidently it takes others longer. I guess it was naive of me to assume that everyone learned from their mistakes the first time. But as the saying goes, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I don't know it all but I do believe I'm somewhat wise beyond my years.

My point is this; if we don't take the time to learn our lessons when we first encounter them, we're going to keep running into them.I"ve learned my lessons and as a result I've developed my standards. There's a reason we're put into these situations...to LEARN from them. If you're not learning and growing......what ARE you doing?

<3

Avoidance

To know me is to understand me and understanding me you know that I'm a person of many words. Ironically enough, I clam up when it comes time to express myself. Not that I don't know how I just find it easier NOT to state what's bugging me than to rock the boat. Not a good practice, yes I've grown to realize this. But I am working on it. Easier said than done though. The saying is true: "Old habits do die hard." Lately I've been aiming to address issues AS SOON as it starts to affect me so I don't give it the chance to fester and grow bigger than I'm able to control. I've been doing OK so far but there's still some issues I haven't opened up on.

Sure I can say what I've been feeling but there is an underlying fear. I believe in not asking questions to which you don't want to hear the answer to so I've remained quiet. I also have a tendency to put pieces of a puzzle together on my own. Its not my best trait but I'm a really complex thinker and I HAVE to make sense of my situations or situations involving me. I will admit that once I've set my mind on a reason its kind of hard to convince me otherwise. I know this. I usually won't admit to it but I'm aware of it.

Reflecting I've watched myself grow tremendously in the last year alone. I've learned so much about myself and I'm still continue to get to know me. In the process of getting to know me I've become extremely comfortable. But comfort isn't always a good thing. Naturally as humans we fear the unknown. We like knowing what comes next. Not everyone adapts to change swiftly and with ease. I'm one of those people. Maybe this is the reason issues linger with me and questions go unanswered. I'm pretty sure I'm answering my own questions but things don't always make sense when they're just ideas in your head.

Eventually I'll say something. Hopefully sooner than later. I guess that's up to me then huh? 

What's The Point

I can't be the only who wakes up and think all too often "what's the point".....or am I. I don't want to have all the answers but there are more than a few answers I wish I had and "what's the point" is one of them. I have several instances where I can pinpoint the monotony around me but I essentially mean in general period.

But I will elaborate for a bit---

The other day my best friend told me "women may be the most confusing species on the planet". I couldn't give him any response other than "lol" cause I knew exactly what he meant cause I can relate. The only difference is that I feel that way about men. I'm no man basher and I'm not really a hateful person I just don't understand what is so wrong about saying what it is that you expect from someone. If your friends with someone and you have a mutual respect for one another, what's so wrong in saying "I want......".  True enough the other person may or may not appreciate what it is that you're saying but I personally value honesty. Honesty takes courage and if you find the courage in you to be honest with me, how can I be angry. It may not be what I want to hear but people who tell you what you want to hear aren't you're real friends (but that's another blog).

I have a select number of people in my life I consider near to me and without them I wouldn't be the person I am. I love them. I value their friendship, opinion, and impact that have on my life. But there are some friends in my life that I sometimes wonder "what's the point".  Is it selfish to wonder what it is you're gaining from being friends with someone when their gain is greater than your own? Or is that what being a good person is all about.----I don't believe in conditional love. When you love someone, romantic or platonic, you take that person as they are and accept them. Flaws, iniquities, and faults all included. But obviously everyone doesn't think the same way that I do. My question is this when it comes to people in your life, if you have to question what's the point of their purpose in your life, do you unfriend them, or do you try to discover the point.....what if there is no point......Does everything really happen for a reason or do some things (and friends) just happen?

Something to think about